NOT ENOUGH: Beauty for Ashes

Asking for extra prayers as I write this tonight. I get discouraged sometimes and feel a bit overwhelmed with this disease. I’m only human, after all. I am thankful for my God who has stayed with me every step of this journey. He is always good and always faithful. I’m so thankful for all my friends, family and prayer warriors. I’m thankful for a husband who never asks more of me than I’m able to give, who loves me where I am, who is my sunshine in the darkness, my shoulder to cry on when I’m heartbroken and when I’m in too much pain to hold back the tears. I am so thankful for all the things I still CAN DO in a sea of things I can’t.

The daily grind of trying to get traction on my illness is taxing. I work really hard to get out of bed in the mornings, taking meds, doing IVs, doing blood filtration, injections, emotional healing through counseling, prayer, seeing this doctor and that one and this specialist and that – trying anything and everything that I can to fight my illness and to build my body up. It’s not easy. It’s exhausting. I can barely bathe or change my clothes or make it from one room to the next sometimes. I work so hard and see little progress, but I have to celebrate all the little victories, even when my heart wants so much MORE.

I spend what energy I have getting through each day, making it out of bed, going to do treatments, holding on to hope, and I end up with very little energy left for the things I really WANT to be doing – like spending time with friends and family, going to church, going to any social activities, getting to be the spiritual leader I want to be, being the independent silly ambitious person I was before I was so sick, but I just CAN’T. I HATE THAT. I want to be so much MORE than I am.

I have to remind myself that it’s the voice of the enemy that shouts “not good enough” “worthless” “failure”. It’s the voice of God who whispers so gently that I can barely hear him, saying, “REST. RELAX. YOU ARE LOVED. Keep hoping, keep DREAMING. I KNOW your pain and suffering, and all I want is your heart and your trust and your love.” Nothing else matters. I can’t describe the heartbreak that this adventure has been and continues to be, but I trust that God will make beauty out of these ashes just as He always has done. I hope you are able to recognize the same in your own life and painful, discouraging moments. Thank you for encouragement, prayers and love! ❤️️

Isaiah 61:3 “and provide for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”